providing

I need to start this by saying that I am not trying to preach my religion to anyone and feel that any belief can be taken in this context. This is merely a revelation that really helped me through a few rough days in the past 2 weeks.

Last week in body shop (the confirmation group for the kids at Olivet in which I am the leader of the 6th grade girls) we discussed God the provider. We talked about no matter what, everything in our lives is provided for by God and that it is Him who we need to thank everyday for everything we have.

In our small groups, we talked about how with it being the season of giving and receiving it is important to remember that God always provides what we need (not always what we want). We also discussed how to pray and how a long laundry list of things we are asking for is not how we should pray. We should always thank him first for what he has already provided and then take our concerns to him.

This lesson hit me a bit hard. I have always been one of those people that pray thanks first, for others second then save myself for last, but lately I have been more worried about how I am going to take care of things instead of relying on him. Not only tangible things such as money, but relationships that seem to be falling apart as well. It seems that I forget to tell myself in the midst of thinking how wrong the other person is that Im fighting with that God is the provider and he will take care of this relationship.

Money is always an issue, my mom is on a disability retirement and we are just surviving. We worry about money all the time and are constantly bickering because we are worried. Sunday, I remembered that God does not fail and he will take care of this and suddenly I went from constantly panicking about it to focusing on how to work it out because I knew one way or another God will provide.

So please remember in the following weeks that whatever you are worried about, whether it be relationships, money, presents or anything. Take it to God, it comes aloooot easier.

Old.

Im feeling old. I recently hit this realization like a deer hitting a semi truck. We were in BG to see Aaron's sister and boyfriend's new apartment and it hit me sitting there listening to her talk about her new things.

I feel old because I think I am getting old. Im not interested in going out to parties and getting drunk or to the bars and seeing where I wake up. I prefer to spend the evening in with Aaron than go anywhere (except for a few people). Oh and Im in bed by midnight every night now, yes even weekends.

I kind of wonder what happened. I guess it would be in part to the little friend circle that we are in disbanding for adulthood where we exchanged classes and exams for jobs and deadlines but damn. I kind of miss living out on my own too, I saw all of Rachelle's new apartment stuff and I remember how excited I was when Aaron and I were supposed to get our own place but due to some crazy life changes we didnt.

The other thing, I stress ALL the time about getting things done. I don't let Aaron just pull me away from what Im doing because what I am doing is more important than whatever Aaron wants to do. Or is it? I think Im getting too stressed about adult life and Im worried that I will push him away too much. Im really lucky that he is such a great guy and treats me so well and I know I return it, but I guess I need to let my hair down a bit more often to make him and me happier.

I like where I am in life because Aaron and I are adults and we know how to act responsibly so therefore we get more freedom and we can do things the way we want them because we don't have kids either, but Im feeling restless. I hope that wedding planning makes me feel better. As of Sept. 21 we have been engaged 3 months and honestly I stare at my ring as if it has only been 3 days. I really am blessed to have such a wonderful guy in my life.

I haven't been normal since 1995

I recently wrote a status about how I haven't seen normal since 1995 but Im glad I found a guy that can handle it...or something to that affect anyways.

While everyone got a bit of a chuckle about it and one person even questioned whether I was even normal for that long, it had a bit of a different meaning.

I haven't been normal since the age of 8, well, come to think of it, I haven't been normal since the age of 4. So I doubt that I have really experience the meaning of "normal" at all in my life. While other kids had weekend trips with their parents camping or hanging out with a backyard barbeque, I was going to doctor's appointments and checking out some really weird food from the local health food store. I became normed to the idea of going to the hospital, it was no longer a "freaking out event" but something I had acquired into my daily life.

People often wonder why I didn't cry about my dad dying or why I never asked about it and all I can think of is that I was extremely prepared and ready for it. I knew it was coming and I knew that someday I would see my dad again and for now this is just what God wanted for our lives and especially my dad's. Even today, yeah I still miss him, but I know that it was what needed to happen and I will see him again someday.

So after my dad died you would think that maybe I would fall into a normal pattern much like my peers, and for the most part my mom worked hard to make sure that happened but inevitably, there were just some things she couldn't prevent.

Not many 8 year olds get to help pick out their new house or furniture or have any say in anything. I in all effect, helped my mom make major decisions about life that a kid normally didn't and for that I am grateful, not bitter for "losing part of my childhood" or something ridiculous like that. I gained life experience that has continued to give me an advantage in life today and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I learned how to fend for myself. As many of you know, my mom hasn't always been in the best of health and when those times flared up and she ended up in the hospital, I was able to take care of things with out panicking, it was a norm for me something I know alot of my peers would be a bit anxious about.

So here there I was, my mom and I are all we have in this world for each other, I have an extra special duty to be there for my mom sometimes handling duties that I see people much older than me doing for their parents and I think to myself, "hope whoever I end up with in this world is ready to handle me and my crazy" and little did I know he was.

This really came to mind the other night. My mom had not been feeling well and with a speculated TIA that may have occurred a week before, a possible ER trip was in the near future.
Aaron was working a closing shift and was not expected to be home until 2 am so we all went to bed. Around 3, I woke up to my mom and Aaron talking so I got up to my mom getting dressed to head to the hospital. Aaron came out a bit surprised to see me and told me he wasn't even going to wake me up and was just going to head to the hospital with my mom and I could catch up later.

That is a bit unrealistic since I know everything about her medical information and would need to be there for her but the sheer thought of him just being ready to stand up and do "his duty" for me and my mom made me speechless. He truly is the person that can handle my crazy. He is there for me when even though I know how to handle it, he knows when to step into a second in command role. I have put a huge title on him but he has never failed me. I figure after what I put him through when my mom almost died in 2008 there is nothing in our relationship that can stop us now.

He really can handle the crazy...and rather efficiently if I do say so myself.

I mean don't get me wrong, he hasn't exactly had the perfect life either, but I think what is great about us is that the abnormalities that we have both had to overcome we have learned from and plan to better ourselves for our future and kids. That dream of the suburban life where we sit in the backyard with a couple of beers while our kids play into the dusk isn't completely out of reach.

I just gotta get a job!!!!!

last Friday and other things!

So here I am, Im already getting lazy about this blog!
This past Saturday I weighed in and was down another 1.2 which is putting me at 8.8 down so its pretty good. I may have put expectations too high when I was hoping to get to the 10 pound mark.
I went and bought Women's Health's big book of exercise and am now doing their six week workout and its kicking my butt.

However, Im a bit worried about my weigh in this Friday because...

This week was my birthday AND I got engaged. So I was partying 3 days in a row!

Im really excited, but I can't write anymore, details later!

dieting Friday

So I have decided that Fridays were going to be used for blogging about my dieting adventure. This way, I have a way to write it all out, and I am forced to get on here at least once a week.

In high school I did weightwatchers and was very successful. When I got to college that went down the drain because, well, all healthy eating goes down the drain when you are forced to eat campus food or the cheapest stuff off campus. So here I am, after my 5th year of college, getting back on to weightwatchers.
Certain things have changed since I did this diet in high school. 1) Even though that was only 6 years ago, I have found that my metabolism has changed drastically and I am not able to get away with my estimated portions or using my points to eat what I want as long as I was in the point range without eating "healthy" anymore. 2) While I am in a healthy loving relationship (which as many of us know only good relationships will pack on the love pounds) just as I was in high school I am now dating a guy who cannot stay above 116 pounds and therefore has no concept of what a diet is (although is very helpful and supportive of me) 3) I don't have my mom to cook all my meals for me. I know we live in the same house, but she is not making my lunches or dinners anymore, most of that is left for me and Aaron to do. 4) My schedule is not even CLOSE to being the same as the structured schedule I had when I was in high school. Everyday is a bit different and that screws up alot of things.

Now, I have never been one to tell people about my dieting. I am generally a private person and am sometimes embarrassed about my dieting totally. This time, Im trying something new. (Thats what this period in my life is for right?!)

I am a workout freak. I workout 4-7 times a week and prefer to stay in the gym and switch up my routine. I am up for trying out anything and am excited to try something new. So if we look at the equation for weight gain, it would show that what I eat is my problem, not my exercise so for me, the logical turn was to weight watchers to get my eating under control.

I have always liked weight watchers. It is like a game to me , see if you can get your target "points" for the day. So far so good, I am eating my points (or close to it) everyday and as of last Saturday was down 6.2 in 2 weeks. What is exciting is normally you lose alot of water weight at first because you are changing your soda intake or you are drinking more water which for me was already true so those 6.2 are actual pounds!

It hasn't been an easy week though. I have spent the majority of the week working on temptations for icecream or cake. We celebrated a birthday this week and I managed to eat just a small piece even though it was one of my favorite types of cake and I would rather have just dived in and eaten the whole thing (look mom, no hands!). Working on temptations is going to be a big challenge over the next few weeks, but it's a sign of maturity that I can handle now better than when I was 17.

I am going to get on here and try to post week results and challenges every Friday or Saturday depending. I hope that you stick around and check it out. Feel free to ask me any questions about weight watchers because trust me, its a totally different program when you are only 23 years old than the standard program that most 40 somethings that go through it do.

So what are you going to do?

Ever since high school when small talk runs out at family or friend events the topic always turns to the future. "What college are you going to apply to?" "What colleges did you get into?" "What are you going to major in?" It gets even worse when the person you are talking to can relate with where you are going or what you are going into because then the questions get more detailed. "What dorm are you moving into?" "What is your summer reading project?" No one actually likes answering these questions unless you are that full of yourself and like to brag about how awesome you are.
The question gets worse at the end of undergrad.

"So what are you going to do after you graduate?"

In all honesty I feel like flicking them off and telling them " I don't f*cking know" but instead I put on my happy face and start with the well I think.....

The truth is, I really do not know. I could go to grad school, but I don't know if that is what I want to do at this point in my life. I would prefer to get my life started and get a job that could pay a decent amount so I afford my wedding and a house. I do have an undergraduate degree and while I was always under the assumption that it would not get me anywhere, I have found some options that may leave me in a pretty position. The other downside to going to grad school is it would be another 20000 (at least) in loans that I would rather not accumulate at this time. I would rather have the student loans I have now and add a house loan instead.

The only problem with this scenario is that I would not be going into what I exactly want to go into and what I know I would enjoy the most. If I took option 1 it would put me most likely in pharmaceutical sales which I am pretty sure I have the talent for, but my heart does lie in working with kids.

Another thing for me to consider is my family money situation. In the last year my mom has REALLY struggled with her finances and has been barely able to pull off what she had. In April, Social Security finally payed on some back payments that they owed her and now that is what we are living on for the time being, but that money has a lifespan as well and unfortunately its end is sooner rather than later.

I cant help thinking that that money my mom received was a gift from God saying "I can help you for now until you are done with school then you have to start supporting more." It makes sense, if I were to get a job and start paying more around here it would be good. Mom has even thrown out the option of selling this house to Aaron and I for a reasonable price.

That brings me to another point that I want to make clear. I want you all to understand that Aaron is doing his best to help out around here as well. He now pays our cell phone bill and helps with groceries when we need them. Its not alot, but what can you really expect when he is working 38 hours a week and still only making 7.40 an hour. It will help when he becomes a manager in July which will push his income up to 9.25 an hour, but at some point he needs to build a savings for a car and for emergencies.

It kind of becomes apparent where my heart and mind are at this point in my life. Maybe I need to get a job so that I can support myself and start my future. Maybe the satisfaction of having what I want is better than the happiness I would have getting to do what I know I am best at.

almost grown up....but not enough for the real world

Aaron and I need him to get a car.

We have saved some money, Aaron has been trying to get as many hours as he can. We opened an account together and then, Aaron applied for the loan.

We were denied.

Even though Aaron is working close to 40 hours a week, because he is at minimum wage, he doesnt make enough to qualify.

Oh and he doesnt have any credit. That I will say is our fault.

My mom, being the wonderful person she is, co-signed for us and after jumping through all the hoops we had been given to jump through we thought we had it. Until Wednesday, when we got that fateful call to once again tell us...

we are denied.

Turns out, the co-signer has to be related to the person seeking the loan. So for reasons I am not going to discuss on here, we are stuck with no loan and no car.

Maybe this wouldnt have been such a big deal if we hadnt found the perfect car. It was a 2009 Ford Focus SES (the high end model). It had the spoiler and the fog lights the changeable dash color lights. It was perfect, oh and did I mention it was ridiculously under priced with nothing wrong with it. *sigh*

So when do we become adults? Aaron is 23 working a close to full time job with benefits and yet we still need a co signer? Why do people think that at 23 we are not responsible to sit down and figure out what we can and cannot afford? Aaron and I would have never even attempted this without first sitting down and figuring out our expenses and how much a car loan would affect our lives. Not to mention the expenses of regular maintenance along with an emergency fund. Ugh...I want to grow up and I want the real world to let me.......